Friday, August 18, 2006

Great Moments in Blog Comment Threads

The Panic Room
– Ace

The left prides itself on its "freethinking," and castigates the right for "repeating the Bush/Rove mantra," but the left sure just seems to repeat the same blog-propagated nonsense over and over.

Their big one right now (and for a few months) is that they're all too "manly" to be a-sacared of terrorists. Whereas we "piss our diapers" at the thought of "brown people." With "vasline." Or even "peroxide-based slurry liquid bombs."

We're such chickens. Bwak, bwak.

As threads are a good place for catharsis, I thought I might do the dextrosphere the service of providing a thread where you can admit your abject terror and mind-numbing fear at all the events in the world--assuming, of course, you can keep your hands from trembling long enough to actually type on a keyboard.

I'd wish you all "Courage," but I have none to give. My teeth are chattering so damn hard I can barely think above the din.

Whoops, I just made a mess in my boxers again. I thought of a "brown person" and was so overcome by shirt-drenching fear I lost all involuntary control over my excretory system. Let me lock the doors, peek out the windows for "brown people," and wash myself, and I'll be back as soon as I'm done having a terror-induced conniption on the floor.

I schedule those for around 12 every day. It's good for the abs. It's like a cardio version of Pilades.

Some of the comments are too freakin' hilarious:

While walking form the parking garage to my office this morning, I heard what sounded like the soft mewling of a kitten from out of an alley. I froze in terror, unable to move, as the sound came closer and closer to me. I eventually became so overcome with terror that I bolted back to my car, raced home and have been working from under my bed ever since (thank you, wireless connection.)

I have no proof, but I am sure that it was not a kitten, but was, in reality, a "go" signal of the surburban terrorist. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon, I am sure I will be proven correct in my assumption.

Then who'll be laughing, huh? HUH?

Posted by wiserbud at August 18, 2006 11:54 AM

First of all I would like to thank Ace for giving us this safe zone where we can finally come clean about our fears in a friendly, welcoming environment.

I have many fears which paralyze me on a day to day basis and which have caused me to become one of the biggest Depends users you'll run into. You wouldn't believe the how much I used to spend on pants before I heard about Depends. In any case I have a two car garage and full basement filled with them. You may think this is overkill but let me fill you in on my day to day usage, this is today alone:

7:35am Alarm goes off turning on radio. Doing ok until I think I hear the DJ say terrorist, shit myself. Fortunately I have learned to wear my Depends to bed and my accident does not soil my sheets. OBTW DJ actually said hair piece.

8:05am While taking a shower find a hair that appears to be african american in origin, Shit myself. Turns out to be a pube. No Depends used since I was in the shower.

8:45am Watching Today Show and having breakfast. Doing ok until Casey Casem is called out as guest, shit and piss myself. 2nd Depends of the day.

9:30am Driving in to work I get behind an Escalade at a stoplight. Shit myself and pass out with my head landing on the horn. Driver of Escalade comes to see if she can help. It turns out she is a middle aged white woman and a psychologist. She wakes me up and leaves me her card. Nice lady. 3rd Depends.

9:55am While pulling into the lot at work a plane goes overhead. Lose complete control of all bodily functions. 4th Depends and I have to go home and reshower and change due to excessive vomit covering me head to toe.

11:45am While using the bathroom I notice a suspicious white powder on the sink. Shit myself, pull fire alarm and go screaming from the building. Powder turns out to be dried toothpaste. 5th Depends

12:45pm Co worker mentions they are going to the new fallafal place downtown. shit myself, piss myself, break down in tears and beg George W. Bush to protect me. Get a fallafal and some humus and pita. Pretty good.

1:30pm Hold afternoon circle jerk with co workers while we watch video of Israeli atrocities. Afterwords someone switches the channel to PBS. Tavis Smiley is on. Shit myself.

Thank you for letting me unload my secret fears. I feel better already.

Posted by Big E at August 18, 2006 02:26 PM

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